freedom

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I'm not perfect.  And I haven't always been the happy, shiny wife, full of faith and hope.  I've come a long way.  Which is why it's helpful to reread past journal entries, and remember how far I've come in the past year...  Last night we had dinner with Husband's sister and we were able to share what we've learned in counseling.  We weren't too specific on certain aspects (ie. why we were seeing a therapist), but as we discussed our progress something interesting happened: I found it difficult to pinpoint certain emotions or situations, simply because I have healed.  Oh, I have the scars to prove it!  But that doesn't mean I'm finished, that I'm whole.  And I will continue to heal.

I always read about addicts (or codependents) in recovery, but I've never heard of a recovered addict.  Recovery, and healing, is a process, not a destination.  And it takes time and effort.  Healing is not the same as forgetting.  Forgive and forget.  Both require the submission of our will, they don't just happen on their own.  I choose to forgive my husband, and I choose to "forget" the hurt.  Now, I'm not perfect.  And I will readily admit that when he relapses, I relapse and I am more than capable of remembering all past hurt.  The pain and injustice is never forgotten.  It's a part of me.  It's forever changed me.  It will never leave me; at least not on its own.  But, it is up to me to actively choose to let it go and give it to Him who can heal me.  And so I do.  Let go and let God.

So, this is what it feels like to be free?