against the stream

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September 12, 2011

How to start?  Life is hard.  It always will be.  I’m currently pregnant, and hoping this time it’ll stick.  I’m mothering a “troubled” child, and hoping I’ll have the courage and strength to raise him in this world.  I’m currently suffering as a victim of pornography, and hoping that one day my trust in my husband will be restored.  I have felt alone and empty for a long time…  “Oh God, why hast Thou forsaken me?”  And then yesterday something spoke to me.   It was quiet, and I’m surprised I even heard it.  It said, “I am here, and waiting to help you.  How do you expect Me to answer when you don’t listen?”  And I realized that although I was reading my scriptures every day, and praying every day, that I was just going through the motions.  I've known this for a while.   But yesterday I realized that for a long time that I've been ignoring impressions as to when I should be reading my scriptures.  And I realized that by pushing those impressions away, I was denying myself the answers I so desperately sought after.

For a long time I've been so worried and focused on how I was reading my scriptures.  I felt guilty that I wasn't able to study them as I used to during college.  I mourn those days of spirituality, and I felt that those studying habits were what brought about that increased sensitivity.  But as a young mother, struggling in the day-to-day tasks and trials, sometimes it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.  Every morning I pray to make it through the day, and every night I’m grateful that I made it through yet another day.  And so I resorted to scripture reading as a habit; as far as habits go, it’s a dang good one!  I know that my consistency in reading my scriptures and saying my prayers has been a safeguard to me.  But it has stopped at that.  And so today, while reflecting upon my latest insight, I realize that for now, it isn't about how I study.  However, I can choose to listen to that still small voice and read when it tells me to.

Today, I listened and I read when I was told to read.  I didn't spend hours reading.  I didn't spend hours cross-referencing.  I didn't spend hours pondering.  I read the same amount, and with the same intensity as I have been.  Really, nothing more than I have been doing for years.  The only difference this time was to read when I was told.  I listened.  And then I was answered.

I am yet again working my way through the Book of Mormon.  Today I read the next chapter in Mosiah.  A great chapter about the Atonement, but it’s mostly geared toward the sinner.  I need the Atonement to heal me, for I have been wronged.  In verse 9 it reads, “Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”  It goes on to talk about humbling yourself, to forsake and repent of your sins.  I have not sinned.  I must forgive.  But just as the sinner cannot repent on his own, the wronged cannot forgive on his own.  While reading verse 9 I was reminded of Nephi and when his brothers beat him outside of Jerusalem.  Even after the angel came and visited them, they murmured “How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands?”  They doubted that the Lord was more powerful than Noah.  I always thought this was ridiculous and only showed how blind they truly were.  But I realized that I too have been blind.  Who am I to say that the Lord isn't more powerful than my husband’s addiction?  Who am I to say that the Lord isn't more powerful than my pain?

For a long time I have wondered if God loved me.  I know He does, and I believe He does.  But I don’t feel it.  I don’t feel His arms around me.  I don’t feel an overwhelming confirmation that my belief is true.  But today, in reading when I was told to, I felt a spark.  There was comfort.  Peace.  Enlightenment.  I will continue to listen, and read.  And then I will write my answers.

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Yesterday was Stake Conference.  There were a lot of great talks.  One was even about being a victim and the importance of letting go.  You would think that would be the talk that spoke to me.  Mostly it made me feel worse…  It was not comforting.  But the talk that hit me, that spoke peace to my soul, was a talk meant for the youth.  It was about holding to the rod of iron.  Nothing too groundbreaking, really.  But, the speaker shared a personal story: as a teenager, while staying at her friend’s house, she decided to go to the Saturday session of Conference, alone.  And she said that she realized something about herself that day.  She realized who she was, and what she stood for.  And that was her strength.

I am my own person.  My husbands’ actions do not define me.  I am a good person.  I will make my own choices, and I will not let his choices determine what those choices might be.  Heaven forbid he falls completely off the path, but he will not take me, or our children, with him.  I will stand for who I am and for what I believe.  No matter how hurt I may be, or justified I might feel in leaving him or the church, my actions and my choices will determine my salvation.  I will always read my scriptures.  I will always say my prayers.  I will always go to church.  And I will always go to the temple.  I will see God again, because I will make it back.

There’s a painting called “Gently Up the Stream” by Linda Curley Christensen.  There are two boats, each individually manned.  Both are rowing against an oncoming waterfall.  They are together, and their course is the same.  But they row their own boats.  I will row my own boat.  I cannot take the oars from my husband and row his boat while successfully rowing my own.  And I will not hop into his boat and row it for him.  Hopefully, and ideally, we will row side by side.  But until then, I will continue rowing my boat the best I can.  And that knowledge brings me the peace and strength I need to move forward against the stream.