confession​s of a sad, madwoman

{source}

January 19, 2012

I don't know if this will ever be read, let alone responded to... But I figured it can't hurt, and maybe it'll be as helpful/healing as a diary entry.

I am completely lost, and utterly alone. I feel like I have hit rock bottom, several times. I have cried from the darkest pits of despair, “Oh God, why has Thou forsaken me?” and I have waited to hear, to feel, some sort of response. When none comes, I feel simultaneously foolish and guilty. Foolish for believing I deserve His care, and guilty for asking for a sign that He does care. Such roundabout thinking drives me crazy.

I love my husband, and I am loyal to him. He is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I will never leave him, because I cannot leave him. I will not send him to his doom alone. I honestly doubt there is a “perfect” man out there anyway, so what would be the point... My heart breaks for him, and his addiction. As much as I know his actions/thoughts do not define me, they do. We have been married for almost 8 years, and I knew he had a problem before we were married. But, I was naive enough to only think of it as a “little problem” and consider myself lucky that he wasn't addicted to something so vicious as drugs or alcohol. I now know how wrong I was. After years of repeated confessions, both my husband and I realize these vicious cycles for what they are: addiction. But even as he’s admitted defeat, and recommitted himself to the fight (which includes attending SA meetings), he can only last for a few months. And each time he confesses, I find myself slipping more and more into madness. I hate myself and grow numb, and I start to think of ways to harm myself, so that I might feel something. Anything. I continue to count my blessings, and I try my best to have faith in the Lord. But I feel so empty, and so alone. I have no one, not even the Savior. He is quiet to me.

I start to panic. How many times can my heart be broken? I don’t know how much more I can take. I worry that I’m not strong enough to stay around, waiting for my husband to hit rock bottom. He thinks he has. I thought he had. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who, or what, to believe in anymore. And I am all alone. I have asked the bishop to point me in the direction of someone, anyone who might help me... Someone who could tell me there is hope, because they've been there and they've experienced it. I need someone to tell me how bad it will get, and how much more I will hurt, and when I can start to hope. And I keep asking for God to send me angels. And all He sends me is a husband, who loves me, but continues to hurt me. What kind of loving Father does that? And so starts the vicious cycle of doubt and despair. And I can’t stop it. It won’t leave me alone, yet I am alone. So I’m left believing that it’s the only thing I have.

I'm struggling with the hopelessness of it all, and I am exhausted of the yo-yo effect. I'm tired of being the strong one, only to become crazy later. And I'm tired of him then being strong when I'm weak, especially when he's the one who's hurt me. It's terribly confusing, and I no longer know who I am, or what I'm doing here. I feel like we both understand the severity of the situation, and we both are willing to do whatever it takes. I just don't know how. In the meantime, I continue to feel alone. And the idea of a constant lifelong battle, with its ups and downs, is literally draining me and our marriage. I'm trying, so hard, to have hope. And to have faith in the Atonement. But I feel like I have dropped so low (again) that I am beyond saving, and I will forever be stuck in a loop of hope followed by despair.

Please, is anybody there?