an update

{source}

A year ago, husband relapsed.  It was not pretty; it was the first time I caught him in the act.  He crossed a boundary, and I kicked him out.  Not for very long, mind you.  I basically told him that while I wasn't looking for perfection, I did need to see some effort on his part.  And that he was welcome when he had his shit together.  He came back two nights later...

A few months ago, husband had a slip.  This time he came to me, aware that he had crossed a boundary, and knowing that he would be asked to leave.  Again.  But this time, he went willingly.

About a month ago, husband and I shot a commercial for Addo.  It was an amazing experience, with amazing people.  We still have hope.

Two weeks ago, I started going to group.  I go because I know how dangerous it is (for me) to think I have it all figured out.  It is imperative for my personal recovery to remember where I've come from, and where I am going.  To learn from others and their experiences, just as they can learn from me and mine.

Because no matter what side you're on, recovery is a process.

confession​s of a sad, madwoman

{source}

January 19, 2012

I don't know if this will ever be read, let alone responded to... But I figured it can't hurt, and maybe it'll be as helpful/healing as a diary entry.

I am completely lost, and utterly alone. I feel like I have hit rock bottom, several times. I have cried from the darkest pits of despair, “Oh God, why has Thou forsaken me?” and I have waited to hear, to feel, some sort of response. When none comes, I feel simultaneously foolish and guilty. Foolish for believing I deserve His care, and guilty for asking for a sign that He does care. Such roundabout thinking drives me crazy.

I love my husband, and I am loyal to him. He is my best friend, and my worst enemy. I will never leave him, because I cannot leave him. I will not send him to his doom alone. I honestly doubt there is a “perfect” man out there anyway, so what would be the point... My heart breaks for him, and his addiction. As much as I know his actions/thoughts do not define me, they do. We have been married for almost 8 years, and I knew he had a problem before we were married. But, I was naive enough to only think of it as a “little problem” and consider myself lucky that he wasn't addicted to something so vicious as drugs or alcohol. I now know how wrong I was. After years of repeated confessions, both my husband and I realize these vicious cycles for what they are: addiction. But even as he’s admitted defeat, and recommitted himself to the fight (which includes attending SA meetings), he can only last for a few months. And each time he confesses, I find myself slipping more and more into madness. I hate myself and grow numb, and I start to think of ways to harm myself, so that I might feel something. Anything. I continue to count my blessings, and I try my best to have faith in the Lord. But I feel so empty, and so alone. I have no one, not even the Savior. He is quiet to me.

I start to panic. How many times can my heart be broken? I don’t know how much more I can take. I worry that I’m not strong enough to stay around, waiting for my husband to hit rock bottom. He thinks he has. I thought he had. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who, or what, to believe in anymore. And I am all alone. I have asked the bishop to point me in the direction of someone, anyone who might help me... Someone who could tell me there is hope, because they've been there and they've experienced it. I need someone to tell me how bad it will get, and how much more I will hurt, and when I can start to hope. And I keep asking for God to send me angels. And all He sends me is a husband, who loves me, but continues to hurt me. What kind of loving Father does that? And so starts the vicious cycle of doubt and despair. And I can’t stop it. It won’t leave me alone, yet I am alone. So I’m left believing that it’s the only thing I have.

I'm struggling with the hopelessness of it all, and I am exhausted of the yo-yo effect. I'm tired of being the strong one, only to become crazy later. And I'm tired of him then being strong when I'm weak, especially when he's the one who's hurt me. It's terribly confusing, and I no longer know who I am, or what I'm doing here. I feel like we both understand the severity of the situation, and we both are willing to do whatever it takes. I just don't know how. In the meantime, I continue to feel alone. And the idea of a constant lifelong battle, with its ups and downs, is literally draining me and our marriage. I'm trying, so hard, to have hope. And to have faith in the Atonement. But I feel like I have dropped so low (again) that I am beyond saving, and I will forever be stuck in a loop of hope followed by despair.

Please, is anybody there?

basic training

{source}

For the past few months I've gone into survival mode.  I didn't feel well, on every level.  I could tell something was off physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.  I was sick and depressed, and there was nothing I could do but put one foot in front of the other.  Looking back, I wonder if I was reacting subconsciously to the husband's relapse.  We were doing so well...  And even though I couldn't put my finger on it (he seemed fine; we seemed fine), somehow my body knew.  My body and spirit were rebelling.  My soul was fighting, and I didn't even know I was back on the front.

potential

{source}

September 20, 2011

Husband and I have been talking a lot lately about “putting off the natural man” and what it takes to do so.  Tonight in my scripture reading, I read something similar: “And thus the flesh becoming subject to the Spirit, or the Son to the Father, being one God, suffereth temptation, and yieldeth not to the temptation, but suffereth himself to be mocked, and scourged, and cast out, and disowned by his people […]  Yea, even so he shall be led, crucified, and slain, the flesh becoming subject even unto death, the will of the Son being swallowed up in the will of the Father.” (Mosiah 15:5, 7; italics for emphasis)  I've read these verses many times…  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I've read through the Book of Mormon on my own, let alone the chance we've read/discussed these verses in class, etc.  But, I always read them as they pertain to Christ, our Savior.  But tonight, these particular words jumped out at me.  We look to Jesus as the ultimate example, and indeed He literally suffered for our sins.  Because of His Atonement, we don’t have to suffer.  But, we do need to become subject to the Spirit and not give in to temptation.  If we don’t, we will become subject to spiritual death.  It is vital to our eternal happiness and salvation that our will matches that of the Father’s.

As painful as it’s been, there have also been times of great joy in these last couple of weeks.  Yes, my joy does exceed my pain and I pray that one day that joy will last forever.  It’s been wonderful watching Husband transform into the Son of the Father.  I've always known his divine potential, but some days I can actually see his light and goodness radiate in and through him.  He’s glowing.  And he’s happy.  Husband is discovering how to subject himself to his natural spirit.  As much as I need and want to be healed, my greatest desire is to have Husband realize and embrace his divine heritage.  His happiness, not just in this life but in the life to come, is something I’m willing to fight for.  I've seen glimpses of a blissful eternity, and I look forward to sharing it with one of the Lord’s choice sons.

freedom

{source}

I'm not perfect.  And I haven't always been the happy, shiny wife, full of faith and hope.  I've come a long way.  Which is why it's helpful to reread past journal entries, and remember how far I've come in the past year...  Last night we had dinner with Husband's sister and we were able to share what we've learned in counseling.  We weren't too specific on certain aspects (ie. why we were seeing a therapist), but as we discussed our progress something interesting happened: I found it difficult to pinpoint certain emotions or situations, simply because I have healed.  Oh, I have the scars to prove it!  But that doesn't mean I'm finished, that I'm whole.  And I will continue to heal.

I always read about addicts (or codependents) in recovery, but I've never heard of a recovered addict.  Recovery, and healing, is a process, not a destination.  And it takes time and effort.  Healing is not the same as forgetting.  Forgive and forget.  Both require the submission of our will, they don't just happen on their own.  I choose to forgive my husband, and I choose to "forget" the hurt.  Now, I'm not perfect.  And I will readily admit that when he relapses, I relapse and I am more than capable of remembering all past hurt.  The pain and injustice is never forgotten.  It's a part of me.  It's forever changed me.  It will never leave me; at least not on its own.  But, it is up to me to actively choose to let it go and give it to Him who can heal me.  And so I do.  Let go and let God.

So, this is what it feels like to be free?

learning to listen

{source}

September 18, 2011

A few days ago I realized something.  I've written earlier how I've been struggling with my pregnancy, Boy’s behavior in school, and Husband's addiction.  I used to think that it was too much, that I couldn't handle all these trials at once.  I used to think that it was unfair, that these difficult experiences were just heaped on top of the other.  I now acknowledge what a blessing this pregnancy and motherhood is, and that they’re all related.

Husband and I were recently talking about our mutual desire for a heavenly home.  Within that conversation, I realized that these recent struggles are truly a blessing in disguise.  And it dawned on me that due to my weakened pregnancy state (where I truly feel awful and have to physically slow down) coupled with the efforts of providing a peaceful, quiet environment for Boy (no TV or video games), the Lord has literally forced and/or prepared me to listen to the Spirit.  And I've noticed in just the past couple of weeks that as I act on those promptings, I’m better equipped to hear the still small voice.  Because it really is so very quiet, and can be easily missed.  These struggles have helped me the most in dealing with Husband's addiction because I have had to turn to the Lord; and because I've unwittingly created an environment in which He will answer, and I can listen.  I never could have foreseen the cause and effects of my aforementioned trials, but He has.  I’m amazed at how well He knows, and loves, me.

mighty miracles

{source}

I sliced my right middle finger real good the other day, and it's amazing what an annoyance it is!  The simplest task becomes such a pain, literally.  Like fishing something out of your jean pocket, or tying your kids' shoes.  Or typing an email or blog post!  Blasted finger.  But as my therapist is wont to say, "Sometimes a trial is just a trial."  And you know what, my finger is quickly healing.  The human body is awesome!  I am fascinated with what we can overcome, both physically and emotionally.  It's been just a little over a year since D-day, and I feel like a completely new person!  I'm confident and hopeful.  And I'm stronger than ever.  As painful as it may be to cut your finger, or to have your husband cheat on you, healing is absolutely possible.  Scars may be ugly, but they serve me well.

Anyway, I had an epiphany while reading my scriptures and I had to write it down before I forget it, as I'm wont to do...  I've recently discovered this surviving thriving community of wives banding together, all because of their husbands' poor choices.  And it makes me both happy and sad.  Sad to be a member, but happy, and proud, to be amongst the ranks of such strong women.  We can do hard things!  And we will come out better because of it.

Anyway, back to the scriptures.  I was reading Alma 26 and the entire chapter took on a whole new meaning, as scriptures are wont to do.  I especially loved verse 12: "Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever."  The land of sex addiction is a dark and nasty one, where thousands of our brethren, our very husbands, are encircled about with the chains of hell.  There are also thousands of our sisters, us wives, who are encircled about with the chains of hell.  We all have our cross to bare, and dang! are those crosses heavy and laden with splinters.  BUT, we all "are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work" (verse 15).

A year ago I felt so alone.  These unifying blogs were nowhere to be found.  Instead, I only found articles on how to forgive and forget.  And dang! those articles were infuriating and laden with guilt.  I have done my fair share of heavenly fist-shaking, but I am in such a better place now.  And I don't feel bad for being angry or hurt.  At the time, I did.  I was at war with myself, beating myself up for being upset and "un-Christlike", which would only make me feel worse.  I was driving myself crazy!  Thankfully, I have since learned that I am allowed meant to feel a range of emotions.  It's validating.  It's healthy.  So I feel, and then I let go.  Because those chains have been loosed from the Most High God.  He has reminded me of who I am.  His daughter.  And I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for.  I can do hard things!  Me, and my recovery, is a mighty miracle.  A work in progress, but a miracle nonetheless.